Recently I was asked to speak on a panel concerning the lack of a sexual relationship in as many as 40 million couples in the United States. While many people believe that sex is natural and normal and vital for a relationship to survive, there are those do not. I guess if you are one of the ones experiencing a healthy sexual connection with your partner then you might find this notion to be untenable. Even though I am one of those in healthy sexual relationship, I could easily imagine those that are not. As I reflected on what might steer one away from a sexual union with another, it was not difficult to start listing what makes such a relationship unattractive.
I previously mentioned Zibergeld’s – The New Male Sexuality in another Blog and liked what he had to say about how our culture is dominated by a “Fantasy Model of Sexuality”. It was one that was based on performance, orgasm, passion and flawless forms as portrayed by the media, movies and the like. However, I find it interesting to note that “sex” as a human interaction is typically portrayed and experienced by many as purely physical, even though if you really think about it – sex starts and ends in the mind. After all, to begin one has to get in the “mood” by “feeling” erotically motivated and to finish one usually experiences a wave or waves of pleasure that equates to “feeling”. So for something we exponentially promote as physical – sex is really about feelings – a word that typically and unfortunately holds little value in our culture and society. If Zilbergeld was correct in his assumption about the “Fantasy Model”, then it seems apparent why many would choose not to play along.
Of course there are many other reasons as to why many would not find a sexual relationship appealing. For many their decision was based on unwanted sexual experiences in their life. For others, sex was just not that exciting, rewarding or gratifying. Many people have told me that sex is too much like work and not worth the effort. Others have stated that doing without eliminates any and all the anxieties they had previously experienced and were happy to be free of the constraints. Does it have to be that way? Of course not, but until we do something about changing what sex “looks like” and means in our society then many will choose not to engage.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Breast envy is here to stay!
Way back when I was working on my Master’s degree in psychology, I had decided to make a run at my understanding of Freud and his concept of penis envy. Basically, as I understood it at the time, Freud was making claims that women were envious of men because of a fundamental anatomical member differential – that of the penis. Even though at the time, I had no idea as to why I found that way of thinking difficult to comprehend, I decided to wrestle with it as academically as I was capable of doing.
I started with the premise of what if Freud had gotten it all wrong? What could it be that one was or could be so envious of? As a male, it seemed obvious that many of us guys have this uncontrollable obsession with breasts and I was damn curious as to why? How could the ‘object’ that we obsessed about also be the very thing that we were most envious of?
My inquiry lead me to the path of a male’s early childhood. As the early child psychologists wrote, we all seem to be part of a symbiotic soup with our primary care-giver – namely Mom. Therefore, it seems logical that our relationship with Mom represents our first intimate connection with a female. During those first few years we are supposedly fused to Mom and see ourselves as part of her. Inevitably a time comes when we [meaning males] must be separated from the ties that bind. Think about it…we are allowed to go pretty much anywhere Mom goes without any fuss. However, there comes a time when we will have to break free from her [or pushed/forced away from as the case may have been] – for good. What I mean is that at some point the ladies room and changing rooms will be forever cut off from our presence. Now this is a non-issue for girls since they continue to go where Mom goes but we [boys] do not.
As males we no longer have access to the female beginning at this very early age. As a result, one could argue that many males have the potential to get upset over this parting of the waves. We could become very envious of what we are denied…so much so that it may just be possible for us to envy them or something they have that we do not…and that something could easily be their breasts. After all, many of us had access to the breast as a way to sustain our existence that eventually was taken away from us without our consent. So it is possible to make sense that we envy the breast so much that we are willing to be obsessed about them. In the psychological tradition of projective identification, many males have unconsciously learned how to project their need for the breast onto the woman who has subsequently identified with her need to attain [in some cases to mythical proportions] them at all costs.
Given this scenario, male breast envy seems to make much more sense and would certainly support the ways in which men’s obsessions continue to lead them. If you still have doubts, check out HBO’s Breast Men and see who envies what? Remember, it wasn’t a woman who woke up one morning and said – “Hey, I think I need bigger ones!” – it was men who created [I would argue projected their need] the breast enhancement revolution. Sorry Sigmund your penis [theory] just doesn’t measure up – the breasts have it!
I started with the premise of what if Freud had gotten it all wrong? What could it be that one was or could be so envious of? As a male, it seemed obvious that many of us guys have this uncontrollable obsession with breasts and I was damn curious as to why? How could the ‘object’ that we obsessed about also be the very thing that we were most envious of?
My inquiry lead me to the path of a male’s early childhood. As the early child psychologists wrote, we all seem to be part of a symbiotic soup with our primary care-giver – namely Mom. Therefore, it seems logical that our relationship with Mom represents our first intimate connection with a female. During those first few years we are supposedly fused to Mom and see ourselves as part of her. Inevitably a time comes when we [meaning males] must be separated from the ties that bind. Think about it…we are allowed to go pretty much anywhere Mom goes without any fuss. However, there comes a time when we will have to break free from her [or pushed/forced away from as the case may have been] – for good. What I mean is that at some point the ladies room and changing rooms will be forever cut off from our presence. Now this is a non-issue for girls since they continue to go where Mom goes but we [boys] do not.
As males we no longer have access to the female beginning at this very early age. As a result, one could argue that many males have the potential to get upset over this parting of the waves. We could become very envious of what we are denied…so much so that it may just be possible for us to envy them or something they have that we do not…and that something could easily be their breasts. After all, many of us had access to the breast as a way to sustain our existence that eventually was taken away from us without our consent. So it is possible to make sense that we envy the breast so much that we are willing to be obsessed about them. In the psychological tradition of projective identification, many males have unconsciously learned how to project their need for the breast onto the woman who has subsequently identified with her need to attain [in some cases to mythical proportions] them at all costs.
Given this scenario, male breast envy seems to make much more sense and would certainly support the ways in which men’s obsessions continue to lead them. If you still have doubts, check out HBO’s Breast Men and see who envies what? Remember, it wasn’t a woman who woke up one morning and said – “Hey, I think I need bigger ones!” – it was men who created [I would argue projected their need] the breast enhancement revolution. Sorry Sigmund your penis [theory] just doesn’t measure up – the breasts have it!
Monday, April 19, 2010
The mythical life of your sexuality
As a sex therapist, I am always intrigued by the notions/beliefs/understandings my clients have regarding sex and sexuality. So I decided I wanted to start creating a list of at least the more prevalent ones:
• In order for sex to be “sex” it has to be intercourse.
• Sex is over when the “erection leaves the building!”
• Sex is only sex when both man and woman orgasm through intercourse – forget anatomical considerations it’s just media hype!
• Men are always ready for sex.
• Men are the Wizard of Oz when it comes to sex being the ‘Know All’
• Only boys are encouraged to masturbate
• It’s not healthy for a women to masturbate to learn about her own body, what pleases and pleasures her – that responsibility belongs to the man!
• Our sexual fantasies are our hidden desires of what we really want
• Sexual fantasizing while making love with your partner is tantamount to having an affair – you are only allowed to be thinking of the one you’re with – and no one else – forget the fact that you have an imagination.
• Like the magic beans from the Jack-in-the-beanstalk tale – E.D. drugs alone are the solution to the age-old [or young] problem – Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get [it] up!
• All men are sexually aroused and ready for intercourse by the sight of a naked woman
• Women love to be treated like porn stars or Pounding without Pleasure!
• The erection or the lack thereof is the only real indicator if a man is aroused and desires his partner
• A woman’s sexual desirability can be measured by an erect penis
• Once aroused you have to see it all the way through to orgasm
This list is far from inclusive and the purpose of it is to get you thinking about what myths do you carry around, accepting them as truths without really questioning them. So how do these get started and why do they continue to flourish? Human sexuality seems to be and should be one of those wonderful life experiences that many of us enjoy and so few people understand or know that much about it. I think at some level we need to add a fourth “R” to schooling our children – Reading – wRiting – aRithmetic – Relationships. Human sexuality should never be defined for you ever or in a way that severely restricts or limits your ability to experience a full spectrum of pleasure and fun. Hmm…so what myths are you entertaining these days?
• In order for sex to be “sex” it has to be intercourse.
• Sex is over when the “erection leaves the building!”
• Sex is only sex when both man and woman orgasm through intercourse – forget anatomical considerations it’s just media hype!
• Men are always ready for sex.
• Men are the Wizard of Oz when it comes to sex being the ‘Know All’
• Only boys are encouraged to masturbate
• It’s not healthy for a women to masturbate to learn about her own body, what pleases and pleasures her – that responsibility belongs to the man!
• Our sexual fantasies are our hidden desires of what we really want
• Sexual fantasizing while making love with your partner is tantamount to having an affair – you are only allowed to be thinking of the one you’re with – and no one else – forget the fact that you have an imagination.
• Like the magic beans from the Jack-in-the-beanstalk tale – E.D. drugs alone are the solution to the age-old [or young] problem – Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get [it] up!
• All men are sexually aroused and ready for intercourse by the sight of a naked woman
• Women love to be treated like porn stars or Pounding without Pleasure!
• The erection or the lack thereof is the only real indicator if a man is aroused and desires his partner
• A woman’s sexual desirability can be measured by an erect penis
• Once aroused you have to see it all the way through to orgasm
This list is far from inclusive and the purpose of it is to get you thinking about what myths do you carry around, accepting them as truths without really questioning them. So how do these get started and why do they continue to flourish? Human sexuality seems to be and should be one of those wonderful life experiences that many of us enjoy and so few people understand or know that much about it. I think at some level we need to add a fourth “R” to schooling our children – Reading – wRiting – aRithmetic – Relationships. Human sexuality should never be defined for you ever or in a way that severely restricts or limits your ability to experience a full spectrum of pleasure and fun. Hmm…so what myths are you entertaining these days?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Internet and the Proliferation of Compulsive Sexual Gazing & Engagement
Another point that needs discussing is the issues regarding Online Sexual Addiction [OSA] and the use of pornography. Paul Joannides in his wonderful text – The Guide to Getting it on – has a very healthy and thoughtful discussion regarding OSA. Pictures of naked people engaged in various sexual acts has been around since the dawn of time and is not likely to ever go away. What we need to learn is a healthy way to educate our children and adolescents on the proper use of our bodies and stop setting it up so that it becomes something so forbidden that we find ourselves desperately seeking out these images in ways that can lead to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. It only becomes a problem if we make it that way and we have certainly gone out of our way to make it such, so much so that a whole field of therapy and counseling has been established to help those afflicted in order to find relief from the distressing effects of looking at too many digitized images of naked people engaged in anything sexual.
I recently read an interesting article where Raymond Lawrence an Episcopal cleric takes on the subject of sexual addiction and claims it to be nothing short of another attempt of Western Christianity Religious belief systems to control ones’ sexual pleasure, which given their history – is destined to fail – “Sex is not an addictive substance. It’s a human interaction on which the survival of the species is dependent. It is also possibly the most pleasurable and sought after activity known to humankind, and arguably an experience no one should be deprived of. Most normal people consider more rather than less sexual pleasure to be a major objective in life.” As I reflected on his comment, I was also struck by the fact that so many people are struggling with this in their relationships and truly do need help…but help with what?
If one were not in a relationship, would it still be a problem? You could easily answer “yes” if it impacts ones’ employment or finances or any legal ramifications if what one seeks is judicially wrong. However, most people I see in my practice are there because of their relationship being in trouble – in other words they got caught. As absurd as this may sound, what if you compare this situation to someone who takes exercise to the extreme? One could get in the same problems at work, with money and legally if one decided to ‘break in’ and steal the use of equipment. Would we tend to call extreme excessive exercise addiction or as some believe ‘compulsive behaviors’? Since addiction appears to be coupled with substances like cocaine, heroin, and alcohol maybe we should/need to rethink the use of the word addiction. Should we consider whether or not addiction is the best avenue to take when trying to describe and understand one’s need/consuming desire to seek out and engage in sexually explicit encounters?
I recently read an interesting article where Raymond Lawrence an Episcopal cleric takes on the subject of sexual addiction and claims it to be nothing short of another attempt of Western Christianity Religious belief systems to control ones’ sexual pleasure, which given their history – is destined to fail – “Sex is not an addictive substance. It’s a human interaction on which the survival of the species is dependent. It is also possibly the most pleasurable and sought after activity known to humankind, and arguably an experience no one should be deprived of. Most normal people consider more rather than less sexual pleasure to be a major objective in life.” As I reflected on his comment, I was also struck by the fact that so many people are struggling with this in their relationships and truly do need help…but help with what?
If one were not in a relationship, would it still be a problem? You could easily answer “yes” if it impacts ones’ employment or finances or any legal ramifications if what one seeks is judicially wrong. However, most people I see in my practice are there because of their relationship being in trouble – in other words they got caught. As absurd as this may sound, what if you compare this situation to someone who takes exercise to the extreme? One could get in the same problems at work, with money and legally if one decided to ‘break in’ and steal the use of equipment. Would we tend to call extreme excessive exercise addiction or as some believe ‘compulsive behaviors’? Since addiction appears to be coupled with substances like cocaine, heroin, and alcohol maybe we should/need to rethink the use of the word addiction. Should we consider whether or not addiction is the best avenue to take when trying to describe and understand one’s need/consuming desire to seek out and engage in sexually explicit encounters?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Performance or Pleasure? – You Decide!
On a previous Blog - History Even a Sexual One Has a Way of Repeating Itself - reminded us that too many times we learn plenty “about” sex but have learned very little “from” sex. The main justification for this statement is that we continue, as did all the generations before us, to view sex as intercourse and all about performance. Let’s face it, this notion is supported through all the religions that promote procreation as the only valid reason for having “sex” and is certainly supported today by the pharmaceutical industries that peddle the “magic elixir” to make one ready when the time is right!
A man’s masculinity will be challenged if he is not able to get and maintain an erection and “perform” for his partner so that she will be pleased as well. And yes, women are just as invested in the erection as much as men in some cases maybe even more. If he cannot “get it up” i.e. “perform” she will think that she is not sexy enough and her self-esteem and sexual self-confidence can take a pretty hard hit. So why do we persist down this path when we are full aware of the dysfunctional end?
Let’s take a few steps backward. Let us go back to the place where our sexual engine was turned on for the first time. Think about what was really important to you then? If I am not mistaken, it would be all about experiencing the most pleasure possible. Hmmm maybe we’re onto something here! I’m pretty sure guys were not talking to their penises, asking – hey what gives, how come you didn’t last long enough – how ever one translates ‘long enough’. And if gals even thought of sexually touching themselves – mostly not encouraged and marginally supported even today – I am again pretty sure they were not contemplating how long a male partner might or should last.
So what is interesting to ponder in these terms is that performance sexuality is a learned and conditioned response and not “natural” as many would have us believe. So why not challenge yourself the next time you decide to engage sexually with each other to share, experience and enjoy as much fun and pleasure as possible? This means letting go of sexual encounters that are judged by stopwatches, erect penises, wet vaginas and dual orgasms, which can hamper our abilities to fully engage with our partners. So, go ahead – take the 30-day Pleasure Challenge – I dare you!
A man’s masculinity will be challenged if he is not able to get and maintain an erection and “perform” for his partner so that she will be pleased as well. And yes, women are just as invested in the erection as much as men in some cases maybe even more. If he cannot “get it up” i.e. “perform” she will think that she is not sexy enough and her self-esteem and sexual self-confidence can take a pretty hard hit. So why do we persist down this path when we are full aware of the dysfunctional end?
Let’s take a few steps backward. Let us go back to the place where our sexual engine was turned on for the first time. Think about what was really important to you then? If I am not mistaken, it would be all about experiencing the most pleasure possible. Hmmm maybe we’re onto something here! I’m pretty sure guys were not talking to their penises, asking – hey what gives, how come you didn’t last long enough – how ever one translates ‘long enough’. And if gals even thought of sexually touching themselves – mostly not encouraged and marginally supported even today – I am again pretty sure they were not contemplating how long a male partner might or should last.
So what is interesting to ponder in these terms is that performance sexuality is a learned and conditioned response and not “natural” as many would have us believe. So why not challenge yourself the next time you decide to engage sexually with each other to share, experience and enjoy as much fun and pleasure as possible? This means letting go of sexual encounters that are judged by stopwatches, erect penises, wet vaginas and dual orgasms, which can hamper our abilities to fully engage with our partners. So, go ahead – take the 30-day Pleasure Challenge – I dare you!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Arousal - It's what's on the menu tonight!
We need to challenge how we understand sex and sexuality if we ever hope to bring about lasting change that is helpful, healing and nurturing. Let’s take a look at what we understand about arousal – getting turned on – horny – “in the mood”, etc. For most getting aroused is only a prelude for what is yet to come. It seems as though that some of us have been conditioned to respond immediately when we feel aroused to find release and rid ourselves of this distracting feeling. In crude terms, arousal can be seen as the triggering event that has most of us react to in preparing our bodies to eventually spasm so that we no longer have to feel aroused. Why does it need to be that way?
Long ago and far away I recall hearing something to the effect that once a boy/man gets sexually aroused he will need to find release…and again, why is that? Why not let the sexual energy that is built up through arousal just be allowed to run its course, probably just like it did when you experienced your very first sexual feeling way back when. Right or wrong, I think we tend to condition ourselves around certain notions that few ever question. I am not saying that arousal should not lead to sexual satisfaction – I am just asking why arousal in and of itself at times cannot be considered a sexually satisfying event?
Think of the last time when you were aroused and there was no sexual release available – did you savor the flavor or just try to lose the feeling altogether? I think many believe that this type of activity would directly lead to sexual frustration. I am suggesting using arousal the way many in the kitchen have allowed foods to simmer and enjoy the aroma. Think of arousal in the way you would a fine wine, giving it time to breathe. Let it fill you in ways of becoming intoxicated by its scent alone.
Long ago and far away I recall hearing something to the effect that once a boy/man gets sexually aroused he will need to find release…and again, why is that? Why not let the sexual energy that is built up through arousal just be allowed to run its course, probably just like it did when you experienced your very first sexual feeling way back when. Right or wrong, I think we tend to condition ourselves around certain notions that few ever question. I am not saying that arousal should not lead to sexual satisfaction – I am just asking why arousal in and of itself at times cannot be considered a sexually satisfying event?
Think of the last time when you were aroused and there was no sexual release available – did you savor the flavor or just try to lose the feeling altogether? I think many believe that this type of activity would directly lead to sexual frustration. I am suggesting using arousal the way many in the kitchen have allowed foods to simmer and enjoy the aroma. Think of arousal in the way you would a fine wine, giving it time to breathe. Let it fill you in ways of becoming intoxicated by its scent alone.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Thrusting or lusting?
Before I dive into this week’s topic, I wanted to share an observation I made while in my doctoral studies. I quickly noticed from my weekly reading assignments that many male authors made claims as though they were the first pioneers into their field of inquiry while many female authors would refer to the writings of others in order to help them shape their way of thinking. It was very peculiar and not. So, as a preface I want to ad that most if not all my Blogs have been inspired and/or motivated by the writings of others. Paul Joannides in his awesome text – The Guide to Getting It On – Sixth Edition gets the credit for this one. I am a follower of Paul’s way of thinking when it comes to “sex” – it should always be about more pleasure with much less emphasis on performance.
I reflected on the past couple of weeks and how I had been talking to a number of men who sought help with premature ejaculation or rapid ejaculation issues. In most cases, the presenting problem was about how they could last longer with their partners. One client in particular said that he did not enjoy sex if he did not last a “prescribed number thrusts”. When questioned about the “number” he responded with his – without support as to what made it so for him. Questioned even further, he stated that sex was not enjoyable if he did not last “long enough”. When I questioned him about his partner’s input into this “magical number”, he looked at me liked I owed him money.
This really got me thinking on a lot of different levels. First, was what I wrote about previously regarding Zilbergeld’s belief that most if not all males are introduced into sexuality through three cornerstones – Secrecy, Privacy and Impersonal. Here is where my client reminded me of how males live out their sexuality impersonally by focusing their pleasure based on the performance of thrusting to standard set of motions. Since his partner did not know what he was thinking because he refused to share it, he certainly reinforced the secret and private aspects of himself through sexual relations with another. I wondered how many of us have lost our focus on pleasure in order to “hit the mark”? And what about our partners – it reminded me of something Carrie Bradshaw said on one of the episodes of ‘Sex and the City’ where she commented on ‘jackrabbit sex’ to Charlotte saying her boyfriend used her to masturbate.
Think about it [guys], if you get caught up in the “numbers game” are you not using your partner as just an extension of your hand? What’s interesting to note is that most of the research or surveys that women have responded to regarding what makes “sex good” for them rarely if ever mentions as the top contenders – ‘X’ number of thrusts. The number one and two answers usually fall into how much desire he feels for her and how emotionally connected she felt. I think sexual confidence on all levels and for both partners would increase if guys focused more of their energy on lusting after their partners in ways their partners could feel the heat and feel emotionally secure and connected.
I reflected on the past couple of weeks and how I had been talking to a number of men who sought help with premature ejaculation or rapid ejaculation issues. In most cases, the presenting problem was about how they could last longer with their partners. One client in particular said that he did not enjoy sex if he did not last a “prescribed number thrusts”. When questioned about the “number” he responded with his – without support as to what made it so for him. Questioned even further, he stated that sex was not enjoyable if he did not last “long enough”. When I questioned him about his partner’s input into this “magical number”, he looked at me liked I owed him money.
This really got me thinking on a lot of different levels. First, was what I wrote about previously regarding Zilbergeld’s belief that most if not all males are introduced into sexuality through three cornerstones – Secrecy, Privacy and Impersonal. Here is where my client reminded me of how males live out their sexuality impersonally by focusing their pleasure based on the performance of thrusting to standard set of motions. Since his partner did not know what he was thinking because he refused to share it, he certainly reinforced the secret and private aspects of himself through sexual relations with another. I wondered how many of us have lost our focus on pleasure in order to “hit the mark”? And what about our partners – it reminded me of something Carrie Bradshaw said on one of the episodes of ‘Sex and the City’ where she commented on ‘jackrabbit sex’ to Charlotte saying her boyfriend used her to masturbate.
Think about it [guys], if you get caught up in the “numbers game” are you not using your partner as just an extension of your hand? What’s interesting to note is that most of the research or surveys that women have responded to regarding what makes “sex good” for them rarely if ever mentions as the top contenders – ‘X’ number of thrusts. The number one and two answers usually fall into how much desire he feels for her and how emotionally connected she felt. I think sexual confidence on all levels and for both partners would increase if guys focused more of their energy on lusting after their partners in ways their partners could feel the heat and feel emotionally secure and connected.
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