Friday, May 21, 2010

Sex – It’s just not for everyone!

Recently I was asked to speak on a panel concerning the lack of a sexual relationship in as many as 40 million couples in the United States. While many people believe that sex is natural and normal and vital for a relationship to survive, there are those do not. I guess if you are one of the ones experiencing a healthy sexual connection with your partner then you might find this notion to be untenable. Even though I am one of those in healthy sexual relationship, I could easily imagine those that are not. As I reflected on what might steer one away from a sexual union with another, it was not difficult to start listing what makes such a relationship unattractive.

I previously mentioned Zibergeld’s – The New Male Sexuality in another Blog and liked what he had to say about how our culture is dominated by a “Fantasy Model of Sexuality”. It was one that was based on performance, orgasm, passion and flawless forms as portrayed by the media, movies and the like. However, I find it interesting to note that “sex” as a human interaction is typically portrayed and experienced by many as purely physical, even though if you really think about it – sex starts and ends in the mind. After all, to begin one has to get in the “mood” by “feeling” erotically motivated and to finish one usually experiences a wave or waves of pleasure that equates to “feeling”. So for something we exponentially promote as physical – sex is really about feelings – a word that typically and unfortunately holds little value in our culture and society. If Zilbergeld was correct in his assumption about the “Fantasy Model”, then it seems apparent why many would choose not to play along.

Of course there are many other reasons as to why many would not find a sexual relationship appealing. For many their decision was based on unwanted sexual experiences in their life. For others, sex was just not that exciting, rewarding or gratifying. Many people have told me that sex is too much like work and not worth the effort. Others have stated that doing without eliminates any and all the anxieties they had previously experienced and were happy to be free of the constraints. Does it have to be that way? Of course not, but until we do something about changing what sex “looks like” and means in our society then many will choose not to engage.


  1. "if you really think about it – sex starts and ends in the mind." ... Interesting that such a hard boundary is always drawn between the "physical" and the "mind" or "feelings." Is there any feeling that we do not feel in the body? Is there any physical sensation that doesn't also occur in the mind? ... My experience is that the mind and body are united, not just "connected" but actually one and the same. It's when people divorce the two that I think they run into problems.

  2. It's sad but true. It destroyed my marriage. I loved my husband very much. He became disinterested in sex of any kind with any one. We had the "are you gay" talk, visited medical and psychological doctors, I worried it was me, I felt ejected from the marriage bed. I was emotionally a wreck. I am a highly sexual person and felt that 35 was too young for me to live in an asexual marriage. The problem was that we then had two children, one special needs (no worries about pregnancy, we'd been fixed) and the economy was starting to crash so we could not afford to divorce and live apart. We "separated" and I found another lover. He is not in the area so there is no embarrassment factor. We simply cannot be seen together. But my husband has become abusive and angry. I think because of a lack of sex life. It took years and my new lover a lot of patience to rebuild my self esteem. Sex-less marriage is not normal. When both parties don't agree it destroys lives.

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