Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Thrusting or lusting?

Before I dive into this week’s topic, I wanted to share an observation I made while in my doctoral studies. I quickly noticed from my weekly reading assignments that many male authors made claims as though they were the first pioneers into their field of inquiry while many female authors would refer to the writings of others in order to help them shape their way of thinking. It was very peculiar and not. So, as a preface I want to ad that most if not all my Blogs have been inspired and/or motivated by the writings of others. Paul Joannides in his awesome text – The Guide to Getting It On – Sixth Edition gets the credit for this one. I am a follower of Paul’s way of thinking when it comes to “sex” – it should always be about more pleasure with much less emphasis on performance.

I reflected on the past couple of weeks and how I had been talking to a number of men who sought help with premature ejaculation or rapid ejaculation issues. In most cases, the presenting problem was about how they could last longer with their partners. One client in particular said that he did not enjoy sex if he did not last a “prescribed number thrusts”. When questioned about the “number” he responded with his – without support as to what made it so for him. Questioned even further, he stated that sex was not enjoyable if he did not last “long enough”. When I questioned him about his partner’s input into this “magical number”, he looked at me liked I owed him money.

This really got me thinking on a lot of different levels. First, was what I wrote about previously regarding Zilbergeld’s belief that most if not all males are introduced into sexuality through three cornerstones – Secrecy, Privacy and Impersonal. Here is where my client reminded me of how males live out their sexuality impersonally by focusing their pleasure based on the performance of thrusting to standard set of motions. Since his partner did not know what he was thinking because he refused to share it, he certainly reinforced the secret and private aspects of himself through sexual relations with another. I wondered how many of us have lost our focus on pleasure in order to “hit the mark”? And what about our partners – it reminded me of something Carrie Bradshaw said on one of the episodes of ‘Sex and the City’ where she commented on ‘jackrabbit sex’ to Charlotte saying her boyfriend used her to masturbate.

Think about it [guys], if you get caught up in the “numbers game” are you not using your partner as just an extension of your hand? What’s interesting to note is that most of the research or surveys that women have responded to regarding what makes “sex good” for them rarely if ever mentions as the top contenders – ‘X’ number of thrusts. The number one and two answers usually fall into how much desire he feels for her and how emotionally connected she felt. I think sexual confidence on all levels and for both partners would increase if guys focused more of their energy on lusting after their partners in ways their partners could feel the heat and feel emotionally secure and connected.


  1. I whole-heartedly agree that the emphasis needs to be on pleasure, not performance. It's not the way most of us learn about sex (what schools or parents are talking to their kids about pleasure? not many!), but hopefully as we mature we can learn to appreciate the benefits (physical, emotional, etc) of pleasure-focused sexual encounters.

  2. It's not surprising guys are focused on product rather than process - it does play a huge part in how they are socialized. Our society encourages men to be producers in measurable ways (thus, so many thrusts- it's measurable.)

    Maybe if the product they focused on was pleasure for both of them, the numbers game would fade.

    Now how to make that happen.... Talk to your partner, male or female and get a clue about what you both really need.

    Thanks for the post, Dr. John!